By the Bi

Luke

There's a lot of consternation over sexuality on the site. Not so much for the women - it seems they're almost obliged to swing both ways - but as for me and the other chaps on there, it's quite the big issue.

Our profile basically flags me up as, if not a fully-fledged bisexual, then definitely bi-curious. And it's true that the idea of getting to grips with another man doesn't repulse me - after all, if there is a groaning heap of humanity going on, then I would rather be in the thick of it than just a casual observer. I'm quite happy to take a cock in my mouth or let masculine lips get round mine - and kissing's kissing, basically it can be good or bad with either a man or a woman in my book.

And, of course, flagging myself up as open to all is the simplest way of putting off the hetero single men who, frankly, should be out looking for a girlfriend, not approaching a couple on the internet. The way I see it is that if you tick the MMF box and also play the totally-straight card then you're simply advertising yourself as a cuckold, a broken little man who will dejectedly sit in the corner while his wife is being pummelled by a proper bloke who really knows how to handle himself. There are a lot of men out there who think this is commonplace among couples on the site - one that I took an instant dislike to crowed long and hard on the webcam about how he'd hooked up with a man and his wife, hubby had failed to perform in any way and she had had the best sex she'd ever experienced since chapter six of Seven Shades of Grey. Yes, we all knew he was making it up, but it's a myth which is perpetuated a bit too often.

So wearing the 'bring 'em all on' hat, for me, ensures that if it's just a lone cock joining us then he'll be well aware that he'll be expected to want to play with me as well as the beautiful T. And, yes, I'm aware of the dark side of that - it's basically me saying that if you want to fuck my wife without bringing a bird, you're going to have to suck my cock first. Emasculation, anyone?

For couples though, it's a completely different kettle of fish. The contact always starts jovially enough, but the question of what I'm expecting to do doesn't take long to rear its head with the full-on straight blokes. Take the couple we're currently messaging with a vague view to meet up with at the weekend. I chatted to him on the phone and we've exchanged quite a few text messages - the usual 'it's all about the chemistry' malarkey. Then, pow, up pops the text from the chap saying "U do now Im straite dont you". (As a quick aside, what is it with swingers and literacy? This man's in his late 40s and he can't do apostrophes or spell 'know'? Sheesh.)

But, anyway, I then know I have to send a host of comforting texts back reassuring him that I'm not about to tie him face down to the bed and shove my arm up his arse to the elbow. And now, everything's cool, he's admitted that he really fancies T and we've basically agreed that if it comes to pass this weekend it'll be all vanilla straight-swap, same-room kind of thing - a tiny bit disappointing for T who can't help but like the idea of a man at both ends, but probably a nice safe way to kick off our Aussie swing-life.

And it works for me too. As with the glum engineer, the goalposts are in a completely different place if Mr Hetero is bringing along a lady - at least there's a good chance I'm going to get to play an active role with someone.

So, basically, I'm a bit of a moveable feast. If Joe Solo comes up, then I'm going to expect to be quite hands on, if Sid Straight and his wife are interested that's all good too, he can rest assured I'm not going to suddenly be behind him nibbling his ear.

But what, then, is the true answer? Well, the reality is that I'm only bi in the sense that, in the sack, being at the heart of things works best for me. The truth is I have no desire at all to ever be one-on-one with a man and I absolutely don't ever want to be the sponge to another fellow's rock. I get off on T getting off and I know how much she likes a bit of MMF, but if she suddenly went off the premise I wouldn't push for one last go.

I am, then, only a bi swinger, not a bi man. I've never fancied one man more than another - yes, I could see the beauty in the smiley Latino chap, but a lot of that was about his complete lack of body hair - and I've certainly never thought I was falling in love with a bloke. 

In fact, the harsh reality is that I don't really like men, that I'm not what you'd call a man's man. All my closest friends are women, I've never walked down a city street in a group of lads singing in that embarrassing deep voiced warble they do. I've never wanted to get involved in team sports and have made excuses not to go to every stag night I've been invited to - simply because I can't imagine anything worse than to be out socially somewhere where it's all men. I find the competitiveness, anger and angst tiring, the chest-thumping, the showing off. My heart sinks when we meet yet another eloquent, intelligent, funny, vivacious woman - in any sphere, not just the site - who has a lumpen oaf of a husband/partner/boyfriend who can't string a sentence together and starts getting uppity and shouty if he thinks he's not the alpha male. Most men, unfortunately, are just very, very dull.

Still, if they're a good kisser, I'll probably let that slide.